the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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