He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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