Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
