Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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