theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
