Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
