if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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