Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize