so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
