My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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