Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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