Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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