This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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