i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
