i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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