I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
it glows. i had to have it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
