Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
