So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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