if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i think my cat just said my name.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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