tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
