Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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