if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
