Got a toothbrush?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
