just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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