The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
