Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
