he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
