awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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