shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
