You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
