How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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