i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
