In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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