guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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