8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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