i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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