remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
