By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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