I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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