her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just want nice things and good sex
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
