apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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