I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
