Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
