then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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