Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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