im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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