I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
