I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
