I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize