3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
