It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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