I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize