look no pants
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
