I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
