We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
