I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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