On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
