You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
