My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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