Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
